queenoflogs | Well, the weather outside is frightful

Entry tags:

Well, the weather outside is frightful

Characters: Everyone!
Date: Midnight the 16th of December
Summary: The inhabitants of the Garden get their reward for making out beneath the mistletoe, in the form of a lights show in the sky.
Warnings: N/A

In the dead of night, the Garden is dead silent. Without the sound of the city or urban life, only the noises of nature pervade the air. Crickets. Rustling leaves. The occasional footsteps of an animal.

However, tonight, at midnight, the silence is broken by a loud pealing of bells, rousing the people of the garden from their sleep. The bells continue ringing for nearly half a minute before falling silent. For a moment, the peacefulness of night returns to the Gardens.

Then the enormous mistletoe plant begins glowing, with a brilliant white light bright enough to be seen from all corners of the Garden. It fizzes, shooting off heatless sparks, and then bursts, shooting up into the sky and breaking into pieces of glowing light, forming various shapes. Above the Orchard, a series of hearts form, burst like fireworks, and reform. Over the Necessities, nymphs made of sparkling light kiss and dance through the sky, winking down at the people below. Over the ruins, flowers of multicolored light pop into existence and disperse. And above the Viridian Pavilion, fiery red phoenixes swoop through the air, burn out dramatically, and are reborn in a new cascade of light.

The show will continue until morning. Fortunately, now that the mistletoe's light has dispersed, it's not so bright that it should keep people awake.

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"Mm." Utena sounds distracted. The light from the fireworks illuminates the two girls again, alone on this hill, small and insignificant against the black expanse of the night sky. The peal of bells continues off in the distance, and Utena sighs. It's a heavy, sad sound.

"I've been thinking...about the question you asked. About what revolutionizing the world means."

The back of her head rests comfortably against the curve of Utena's neck; the embrace is warm and invites a feeling of safety. If she closes her eyes, Mami can almost - almost - let herself imagine this lasting beyond a single night.

But she doesn't dare to close her eyes. "You have?" On some level, that jolts her out of the beginnings of a dangerous reverie: all comforting touches and confusing feelings in the world can't erase Utena's connection to Ohtori.

"Yeah." She falls silent for a few long moments, and then speaks up again. Her voice is soft, calm. "I was thinking...well, it means I have to change something, right? That's what a revolution is. If I could..."

Another pause, longer than the first, and she tenses against Mami. "But the whole world...how is anyone supposed to do something like that?" It's the first admittance of this - her doubts and fears. It's the first time she's acknowledged it, thought about what revolutionizing the world meant. It's a change, slow and steady, but significant. "I thought the duels were just...a game. Just something the Student Council thought of. Why would they need to revolutionize the world?"

Edited 2012-02-05 19:58 (UTC)

Mami is quiet as she listens, the way Utena's body grows unyielding and tight failing to escape her. And Mami wonders to herself in the privacy of her own mind: The duels....where one is pitted against their schoolmates in a clash of blades over the right to claim another person as a possession....a person of some great yet mysterious significance.

That's too cruel and purposeful to be a mere game.

These are things that are thought but not said. Not for the moment, anyway. "Well, people revolt when they aren't satisfied with the way things are. Any history book will tell you that, right?" She reaches up after a moment to touch Utena's shoulder, gentle and reassuring. "But I don't think that anyone can change the entire world all by themselves. Perhaps what it really means is....you're the beginning."

Mami gazes out at the sky as it explodes once more in a flurry of sparks.

"Change has to start within, after all. Otherwise you never grow as a person....you might as well still be a child."

The touch on her shoulder makes her start, but she relaxes eventually, finding comfort in it. "The beginning..."

It's just a game, she wants to say, but the thought itself seems like a lie, a careful fabrication she's afraid of finding the truth behind. The beginning of a revolution. One she had not asked for, and one she had not wished to be a part of. But if she wants to liberate Anthy from the duels, she had to.

Otherwise, it was as Mami said. She would still be a child. She would never grow past...past what?

Who is that? she'd asked her prince, after her parents died and the world compressed to her grief and her coffin. Who is that? The horrible, creaking sound of metal. The sound that spanned across eternities. The sound that followed her in her dreams.

What was it? What had she seen?

"I don't know what I'm supposed to change. Isn't wanting to be a prince enough?"

Meanwhile, Mami reflects on a more personal kind of change; the revolution within herself that’s taken months to begin, the end of which is still nowhere in sight. It’s a idyllic idea, she muses, the thought of essentially remaining a child forever here - because growth is difficult, painful, frightening. It might seem more preferable to stay the way one has always been, where at least there’s the comfort of the known and the familiar. And Mami had done just that for a long time, clinging to her grudges and digging in her heels against being drawn out of her shell.

“Mm...If it was enough, you wouldn’t need to duel anymore, would you? Perhaps you’ll discover what it’s supposed to be in time.“ A lengthy pause. “Utena-san, why do you want to be a prince?” The next is half-mumbled, almost embarrassed. “I like you just as you are.”

"I guess not..." Mami has a point, but it bothers her, the knowledge that she might be dueling for much longer than she'd planned.

I see. It's that memory that's been supporting you until now.

Utena blinks, and is silent for a very long time. She'd heard that before...hadn't she? She feels odd. It's the same unusual feeling she gets after waking from a long dream...but the feeling never goes away now. She's always waking up, it seems like.

"Why? Well, I...I told you, remember? When I was small, and my parents-"

Please don't open it.

She falters, and begins again. "-when my parents died, I met a Prince, and he gave me my ring. Since then, I've wanted to be a Prince like him...he told me never to lose my strength or nobility, even when I grew up." There was something off about that, wasn't there? Hadn't he said something else? "So, since then...since then I've been trying to be a Prince. Maybe I'll meet him, and I can thank him for helping me."

Don't be ashamed. The memory you possess is a worthy one.

She shivers, presses closer against Mami. The cold reminded her of a saying she'd once heard, about how you got a chill when someone walked on your grave. "...Thanks, Mami. I like you the way you are too."

Edited 2012-03-05 19:28 (UTC)

A curious silence settles over the two of them, unbroken save for the sound of their breathing and the intermittent crack and boom of the fireworks. And even those sounds seem a step removed by now, belonging to a different and separate world. This conversation is like a cloak - or perhaps a heavy hand, slowly tightening and pressing them closer in ways beyond the physical. Pushing them nearer to some sort of brink, the edge of an understanding waiting for them in the shrouded distance.

Mami endures it all patiently: the lingering quiet, the slow fragments of Utena's responses, the way the other girl tightens this embrace.

"Yes, you told me that." Her voice is calm, far from dismissive, and yet quietly unsatisfied all the same. "But Utena-san, why do you have to be a prince to have strength and nobility? Aren't those qualities you already possess?" A certain softness creeps into her tone - cracks in her armor. "...I guess that's what I don't understand, because I already think you're as good as any prince. I don't know why you can't thank him as yourself - as Utena."

Mami holds little stock in fairytales. The world had long since ground her down too far for her to place her brittle faith in those kinds of impossible ideals. "And besides, princes....they aren't infalliable, you know. They aren't perfect, or always what they seem. I met someone who gave me a ring too, like I told you, and-" She quietens, letting that old pang roll through her heart, and doesn't continue.

"I..."

And she realizes, with a sudden start, that she can't answer that question. To answer it would be to...to ruin something inside, to admit to...to what?

"Because..."

But soon, you will become a woman, and you'll forget about this day.

I won't!

"Because I have to prove it."

The words come as if from a dense fog, and Utena sounds almost dazed, as if waking from a deep sleep. She had to prove it. It didn't matter...if Mami, if anyone thought she was as good as a prince. As good wasn't good enough. It wasn't the same as being one. It wasn't the same as really having strength or nobility. It wasn't the same. And if she was meant to...to save anyone, to meet her Prince, well... "I have to prove it." And there is something firm and final in her voice now. But there is something else there, something hidden and closed-off, far away. She doesn’t know why she has to prove it, or to whom. She just knows it’s necessary, some primordial and half-formed desire. Even if princes weren’t...perfect.

I cannot help her any longer.

And an image flashes through her mind, of her prince. But he hadn’t been the brave and handsome prince she remembered in foggy daydreams. He had been young, not much older than her. And so tired...his eyes. They’d been so tired. She shakes her head as if to clear it, and some of the light returns to her eyes. This conversation has made her uncomfortable, and the tenseness is felt in her embrace of Mami - her shoulders are drawn taut, the muscles in her arms are tight and unyielding. Her psyche carefully repairs itself - she begins to rationalize her thoughts. This was just the result of that awful, disturbing dream. Her imagination was getting ahead of her. Her attention slowly returns to Mami, and she latches onto the new topic, too bothered by her muddled memories to want to delve deeper into them. “I just have to, that's all." And then the subject is quickly dropped in favor of a new curiosity. "You said that before...about a ring. Is that the same thing that makes you a magical girl?”

Edited 2012-03-31 19:19 (UTC)

Mami listens, going very quiet and still as Utena tenses against her. And she thinks on those words, long and hard, as fireworks continue to burst and bloom above them in shapes of whimsical fancy that have never seemed less appealing. There are loose threads here that she can pluck at in the hopes of unraveling some of the mystery shrouding Utena. There are gaps, chinks in the other girl's armor, that Mami can pick and pick and pick at until they widen in crumbling chunks under her fingernails. Mami knows how to be stubborn, to be cruel if it meant ultimately being kind - for despite the barbs that sometimes lace her words and despite the way her gold eyes can narrow dangerously, all Mami has ever really wanted is to help others. It's kept her walking, kept her breathing, even when it had to lean upon wounded idealism and the guilt of survival to do so.

Her voice is soft and neutral. "I see."

But Mami decides to let the subject of princes and Ohtori and all their trappings go for now, for tonight. She's not Utena; charging forward out of heroic impulse isn't her way. No, her way is subtlety and caution and being keenly aware of fragile underpinnings, the minute yet significant impact of the smallest pressures. Forcing something now won't help Utena - and perhaps Mami's already pushed too much, too soon, as it is. She rubs her hands together, caressing the slim and elegant knuckles, feeling the cool metal of her ring. "Yes, that's right."

Silence. Her breath escapes in a thin white cloud. Then the gem set into the metal band begins to glow brightly as Mami comes to a decision.

"I guess I never told you the whole story about that, huh?" A slight shifting movement, and now there is no ring but instead her Soul Gem nestled carefully in the palms of her cupped hands. It continues to glow, the golden light free of corruption and oddly comforting. "About how I gained my powers, about Kyuubey."

There's a quiet sort of relief that comes when the subject of Ohtori is dropped - Utena relaxes against Mami by degrees, her grip loosens and her breathing comes easier. The unpleasant thoughts of her prince - something that normally gave her comfort - fades and goes soft at the edges, replaced by the gentler, gauzy memories she's more accustomed to. But the ugliness beneath those memories lurks there, hidden like brackish, cold water beneath pristine ice. For once, those ugly thoughts don't completely go away when the topic is redirected to Mami.

There would be time later, to analyze that, but for now, Utena leans in to study the Soul Gem cupped in Mami's hands. It's a pure, golden light, and Utena thinks it's more fascinating than any of the fireworks that the Queen and her ilk had conjured up this evening.

"Wow...it's beautiful." It's spoken with a quiet, childish sort of awe. The unfamiliar name though, that gives her pause. "Kyuubey?"

Mami's breath catches in her throat, suddenly and without warning and with an intensity that surprises herself. For a long moment she's utterly sure that she didn't hear the other girl correctly - because although Utena didn't know it, she had just said that about Mami's soul. The thought of it, the very idea that someone would find this vital essence of her something to be spoken about in such awed tones.....She swallows hard, gathers the threads of her composure and control together with a fistful of effort, and is dimly grateful to find that her voice doesn't waver at all when she speaks.

"Kyuubey.....well, this is going to sound strange, but he's not human. He looks sort of like a white cat, about this size." A pause, and the Soul Gem returns to ring form as Mami gestures with her hands to indicate what she means. Her voice has already lost the soft edge from earlier, the strange and awkward pleasure from before quickly fading and leaving her cold. "He's a magical creature that makes contracts with young girls, and he can grant pretty much any wish. ....Of course, he doesn't warn about all the consequences." Mami grows tense against Utena, hunching up and drawing her limbs closer as if to protect herself. And she laughs, quietly, but the sound is humorless and ends fast. "Heh....you could say he's a creature of opportunity before he's one of compassion."

A long, uncomfortable silence. Then Mami continues, some of the bitterness dropping out of her voice to be replaced by weariness. But she does not cry. She won't cry here, not about this, this just is an old and scabbed over wound.

"I would have died in the same car crash that had killed my parents if he hadn't found me, if he hadn't twisted what I said into a wish to live - into another contract he could fulfill. I spent a long time thinking I had traded away my parents to save myself, that I was selfish and...and a terrible person, and he never tried to convince me otherwise. Why would he care, right? He had gotten what he wanted from me: another magical girl to fight until she either died or fell into a despair that couldn't be escaped from."

"So he's some sort of animal that grants wishes?" She smiles, but it's a hesitant, nervous expression. "That sounds like the manga Wakaba reads..." Her expression sobers though, when Mami continues, and soon enough she's gone completely quiet. Her embrace tightens somewhat, as if to protect Mami...although she knows the damage has been done already, it's still...sad to know that someone she cares about has gone through so much pain.

"...But you didn't have a choice. It's terrible he took advantage of you like that. No one should have to make a choice like that." There's real anger in her voice now; her jaw tightens. "That's just...the lowest of the low." Some of that anger leaves her voice a moment later, and she frowns. "Um, for what it's worth...I think...well, I think you're a wonderful person. I don't think you're terrible at all, or selfish." She blushes, but presses on. "After finding out all that you've figure out, about being a magical girl, about yourself...well, I think it'd be really hard to accept. But you know, I knew I was right, when I said you were one of the strongest people I know. You really are strong, Mami-san. And brave."

"Mm.....sounds like a cartoon gone wrong, doesn't it?" Mami shifts, settling back - further into Utena's embrace, into the warmth and sense of safety it offers. Maybe it's selfish of her....maybe it's foolish. But she does it anyway, because to talk about this still hurts. Her entire existence, all the choices that led her to this moment, pivoted around Kyuubey's interference. If it wasn't for him, she would have died - that's all there was to it.

Still, part of Mami wishes she had a real choice. She might always wish for that, pointless as the desire is.

"Thanks, Utena-san." A pause. Mami closes her eyes. "Ah....but you shouldn't make it sound like it was easy for me. I almost- ...I wouldn't have been able to accept those things alone." Her voice grows soft in a tired, yet decided way; it's all right to admit her flaws, her mistakes, as long as she never again gives up the fight to change for the better. "I think that everything I've seen, that I've had to do in order to survive....it's done something to me, Utena-san. I'm not innocent anymore - I have weaknesses that could ruin everything if I let them. But, you know? I can't regret that moment with Kyuubey anymore. I have to let it go, because..." Her throat constricts. She swallows, hard. "...because that one thing, at least, is not my fault."

Her voice goes thin; there's an unsteadiness in it. Please, don't tell me that it is. Don't tell me I'm wrong to believe otherwise.

"Of course it's not your fault." Utena's answer is a comforting one, and comes immediately. "You were...you were dying." The words come slowly, and awkwardly. The notion of death is an uncomfortable one for Utena, but she feels she needs to talk about it today in order to get her point across. "It makes perfect sense that would've chosen to live in that moment. Besides, if what you said about that Kyuubey thing is true and all -- if he only wants you and the other magical girls to fall into despair, I bet he would've turned a wish for your parents against you anyway. He's the one to blame, not you. I don't think choosing to live is anything to...to regret."

A heavy sigh, and Utena's tone turns thoughtful and a little sad, almost distant. "To want to live at all, after something like that...I think that's brave too."

A long, uncertain sort of silence. As if even now Mami can't help but weigh those words in her mind and turn them over to look for holes; accepting things blindly is beyond her now, perhaps forever, no matter how much she aches for what's been offered. But then, at last, Mami sighs - and it's a sound of deep relief. She relaxes in Utena's arms again, allows herself the comfort of being weak just this once.

There have been times when Mami didn't want to live. Her life after Kyuubey was lonely and miserable, nothing to admire, nothing she could look back on with pride. Yet now it's easier to think of those times without flinching, without feeling a fresh wave of shame with every breath. There....was no point in regretting what couldn't be helped....a choice that was never a choice at all.

The unsteadiness is gone from her voice when Mami speaks again, replaced by a quiet sort of peace. "I....think so, too."

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Well, the weather outside is frightful

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