queenoflogs | Well, the weather outside is frightful

Characters: Everyone!
Date: Midnight the 16th of December
Summary: The inhabitants of the Garden get their reward for making out beneath the mistletoe, in the form of a lights show in the sky.
Warnings: N/A

In the dead of night, the Garden is dead silent. Without the sound of the city or urban life, only the noises of nature pervade the air. Crickets. Rustling leaves. The occasional footsteps of an animal.

However, tonight, at midnight, the silence is broken by a loud pealing of bells, rousing the people of the garden from their sleep. The bells continue ringing for nearly half a minute before falling silent. For a moment, the peacefulness of night returns to the Gardens.

Then the enormous mistletoe plant begins glowing, with a brilliant white light bright enough to be seen from all corners of the Garden. It fizzes, shooting off heatless sparks, and then bursts, shooting up into the sky and breaking into pieces of glowing light, forming various shapes. Above the Orchard, a series of hearts form, burst like fireworks, and reform. Over the Necessities, nymphs made of sparkling light kiss and dance through the sky, winking down at the people below. Over the ruins, flowers of multicolored light pop into existence and disperse. And above the Viridian Pavilion, fiery red phoenixes swoop through the air, burn out dramatically, and are reborn in a new cascade of light.

The show will continue until morning. Fortunately, now that the mistletoe's light has dispersed, it's not so bright that it should keep people awake.

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There's a quiet sort of relief that comes when the subject of Ohtori is dropped - Utena relaxes against Mami by degrees, her grip loosens and her breathing comes easier. The unpleasant thoughts of her prince - something that normally gave her comfort - fades and goes soft at the edges, replaced by the gentler, gauzy memories she's more accustomed to. But the ugliness beneath those memories lurks there, hidden like brackish, cold water beneath pristine ice. For once, those ugly thoughts don't completely go away when the topic is redirected to Mami.

There would be time later, to analyze that, but for now, Utena leans in to study the Soul Gem cupped in Mami's hands. It's a pure, golden light, and Utena thinks it's more fascinating than any of the fireworks that the Queen and her ilk had conjured up this evening.

"Wow...it's beautiful." It's spoken with a quiet, childish sort of awe. The unfamiliar name though, that gives her pause. "Kyuubey?"

Mami's breath catches in her throat, suddenly and without warning and with an intensity that surprises herself. For a long moment she's utterly sure that she didn't hear the other girl correctly - because although Utena didn't know it, she had just said that about Mami's soul. The thought of it, the very idea that someone would find this vital essence of her something to be spoken about in such awed tones.....She swallows hard, gathers the threads of her composure and control together with a fistful of effort, and is dimly grateful to find that her voice doesn't waver at all when she speaks.

"Kyuubey.....well, this is going to sound strange, but he's not human. He looks sort of like a white cat, about this size." A pause, and the Soul Gem returns to ring form as Mami gestures with her hands to indicate what she means. Her voice has already lost the soft edge from earlier, the strange and awkward pleasure from before quickly fading and leaving her cold. "He's a magical creature that makes contracts with young girls, and he can grant pretty much any wish. ....Of course, he doesn't warn about all the consequences." Mami grows tense against Utena, hunching up and drawing her limbs closer as if to protect herself. And she laughs, quietly, but the sound is humorless and ends fast. "Heh....you could say he's a creature of opportunity before he's one of compassion."

A long, uncomfortable silence. Then Mami continues, some of the bitterness dropping out of her voice to be replaced by weariness. But she does not cry. She won't cry here, not about this, this just is an old and scabbed over wound.

"I would have died in the same car crash that had killed my parents if he hadn't found me, if he hadn't twisted what I said into a wish to live - into another contract he could fulfill. I spent a long time thinking I had traded away my parents to save myself, that I was selfish and...and a terrible person, and he never tried to convince me otherwise. Why would he care, right? He had gotten what he wanted from me: another magical girl to fight until she either died or fell into a despair that couldn't be escaped from."

"So he's some sort of animal that grants wishes?" She smiles, but it's a hesitant, nervous expression. "That sounds like the manga Wakaba reads..." Her expression sobers though, when Mami continues, and soon enough she's gone completely quiet. Her embrace tightens somewhat, as if to protect Mami...although she knows the damage has been done already, it's still...sad to know that someone she cares about has gone through so much pain.

"...But you didn't have a choice. It's terrible he took advantage of you like that. No one should have to make a choice like that." There's real anger in her voice now; her jaw tightens. "That's just...the lowest of the low." Some of that anger leaves her voice a moment later, and she frowns. "Um, for what it's worth...I think...well, I think you're a wonderful person. I don't think you're terrible at all, or selfish." She blushes, but presses on. "After finding out all that you've figure out, about being a magical girl, about yourself...well, I think it'd be really hard to accept. But you know, I knew I was right, when I said you were one of the strongest people I know. You really are strong, Mami-san. And brave."

"Mm.....sounds like a cartoon gone wrong, doesn't it?" Mami shifts, settling back - further into Utena's embrace, into the warmth and sense of safety it offers. Maybe it's selfish of her....maybe it's foolish. But she does it anyway, because to talk about this still hurts. Her entire existence, all the choices that led her to this moment, pivoted around Kyuubey's interference. If it wasn't for him, she would have died - that's all there was to it.

Still, part of Mami wishes she had a real choice. She might always wish for that, pointless as the desire is.

"Thanks, Utena-san." A pause. Mami closes her eyes. "Ah....but you shouldn't make it sound like it was easy for me. I almost- ...I wouldn't have been able to accept those things alone." Her voice grows soft in a tired, yet decided way; it's all right to admit her flaws, her mistakes, as long as she never again gives up the fight to change for the better. "I think that everything I've seen, that I've had to do in order to survive....it's done something to me, Utena-san. I'm not innocent anymore - I have weaknesses that could ruin everything if I let them. But, you know? I can't regret that moment with Kyuubey anymore. I have to let it go, because..." Her throat constricts. She swallows, hard. "...because that one thing, at least, is not my fault."

Her voice goes thin; there's an unsteadiness in it. Please, don't tell me that it is. Don't tell me I'm wrong to believe otherwise.

"Of course it's not your fault." Utena's answer is a comforting one, and comes immediately. "You were...you were dying." The words come slowly, and awkwardly. The notion of death is an uncomfortable one for Utena, but she feels she needs to talk about it today in order to get her point across. "It makes perfect sense that would've chosen to live in that moment. Besides, if what you said about that Kyuubey thing is true and all -- if he only wants you and the other magical girls to fall into despair, I bet he would've turned a wish for your parents against you anyway. He's the one to blame, not you. I don't think choosing to live is anything to...to regret."

A heavy sigh, and Utena's tone turns thoughtful and a little sad, almost distant. "To want to live at all, after something like that...I think that's brave too."

A long, uncertain sort of silence. As if even now Mami can't help but weigh those words in her mind and turn them over to look for holes; accepting things blindly is beyond her now, perhaps forever, no matter how much she aches for what's been offered. But then, at last, Mami sighs - and it's a sound of deep relief. She relaxes in Utena's arms again, allows herself the comfort of being weak just this once.

There have been times when Mami didn't want to live. Her life after Kyuubey was lonely and miserable, nothing to admire, nothing she could look back on with pride. Yet now it's easier to think of those times without flinching, without feeling a fresh wave of shame with every breath. There....was no point in regretting what couldn't be helped....a choice that was never a choice at all.

The unsteadiness is gone from her voice when Mami speaks again, replaced by a quiet sort of peace. "I....think so, too."

Well, the weather outside is frightful

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