queenoflogs | [ CLOSED ] I should give a little warning

[ Gaze ahead, Subaru nods. ] I'm not surprised...

[ She moves over to the fridge to get the water and juice. ] I don't think anyone's home right this minute. If they are, they're being pretty quiet.

I dunno. Maybe they're just deciding how to react. [ ...though if Kris is home, she might not know that Katina's there. Akiha would've probably told her not to do anything else, but that's assuming she has an idea of what Kris did. ]

I'll eat then.

...maybe you're right. [ Once glasses are filled, Subaru leans against the counter and watches Katina fill up a plate, or eat from the main one. That is, if she starts right away. The cyborg actually isn't in any hurry, and she rubs the sides of her own glass of juice with her thumbs as she considers that. ]

I didn't.

Decide, I mean. Or think about it. [ Sip. ] I guess I haven't been trying to think too much about anything, since I talked to Akiha.

[ Juice. Yeah, she probably needs this more than anything right now - actual nutritional value. She takes a few sandwiches right away, checking what's on them before biting in. ]

...so uh. How'd that go anyways? I mean, if you don't mind.

[ Shaking her head. ] I don't. I can't see why I should, since it involves you and I want to make sure we're communicating. [ Subaru looks up at the woman. ] We agreed on a few things, not on others, and I don't think I came out of it with more answers than questions... but you're really the only person who can answer some of them.

[ She creases her brow. ] Katina, what happened? I keep having this feeling that something went wrong, somewhere, but I don't know if it was that night, or earlier, or if I'm just trying to see things that aren't there. Can you tell me, please, in your own words, now that we aren't yelling at each other?

[ You know those 'need a moment' Twix commercials? Where they stuff a Twix in their mouth to delay having to talk? That's now Katina with a sandwich.

Though she and Subaru probably haven't even seen those commercials anyways. ]

...what went wrong was... my fault. I mean... hm.

[ Words. She'd love to have words to explain what happened, because while those dreams might have guided her on how to handle it, the problem was there long before that. ]

It was ignorance... some of that ignorance willful... and selfishness on my part. I mean, I've always been kinda... alright with casual, ah, sex, and that's what everything with Akiha was supposed to be, for one thing...

[ Subaru's immediate reaction is to deny that there was fault on anyone's part — but she almost literally bit her own tongue to let Katina finish.

She nods when the woman trails off last, taking another sip of her juice. "Selfish" is a word that was often used to describe her, so she should be intimately familiar with that feeling, and yet she feels so far removed from the thought of it because this situation is just so alien to her. To be in her position is something that she had never thought to consider nor ever anticipated. There was no preparation for it. ] Even knowing that much, I don't think you're the kind of person to go behind someone's back. Especially not a friend's. So... when were you planning on talking to us?

[ Getting Katina to not blame herself will be a tall task, if it's even possible. They all may have made mistakes, yes, but she was so much more aware of her own, and then she... ignored it. ]

Yeah. You know me well enough to know that... and normally I'm really... pretty blunt. Straightforward. Up front.

[ She usually hates dishonesty so much. ] I don't know though. Akiha was right about one thing - about me being scared. When I realized what was happening with me, and you and Akiha... I can risk my life a thousand times, but put me in a difficult relationship and I fall apart...

Was it that difficult? I can't begin to imagine what it was like for you. [ Subaru isn't offended, but confused at her meaning. ] I ... really wish we could have talked about it sooner, so that it wouldn't get out of hand like that. [ She puts a hand to her forehead. ] It sounds like an excuse when I say "I don't know what got into me that night", doesn't it? But I don't.

Don't make excuses for me either. [ The saddest eating is happening right now. ]

I know what happened, leading up to it. Dreams... nightmares... something like that. Telling me what to do, convincing me that it was a good idea.

They were my own thoughts, but they were thoughts I never wanted to think.

I wasn't! I just... [ Was trying to give Katina a way out? A prompt to say that she didn't know what was going on, either, and to chalk that up to outside interference. This place — life in general — isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Subaru knows this; she understands it. That doesn't mean she can't wish to go back to things being easier to handle.

Can anyone blame her?

Subaru's voice grows quiet. ] I... saw those things, too. I didn't know what to make of them, but. I felt things I didn't want to feel. No one can tell me those ideas were real.

[ Hurting people? Hurting her friends? Hurting Katina, specifically? Even in retaliation, if it was earned, it would never be an option. She could turn a gun on Subaru and she would much rather take that bullet than raise a hand against her. That isn't to say that she wouldn't do it after the fact, but there would have to be some other option available and...

God, there she goes again. Hypothesizing. Subaru set her cup down and shook her head as if to dislodge those thoughts entirely. ]

...well maybe they weren't for you. You're probably just a better person than I am or something. [ Subaru's always been such a damned nice girl, and Katina knows herself all too well - is she just being her own worst critic though? ]

And I gave into it, and ended up hurting you and Akiha, and other people around us.

[ It's still troubling not to have it held against her more. ]

I don't think I'm better than anyone. [ That is half guilt and half modesty, but she honestly doesn't think like that. Life isn't a competition, and anything she does to make herself stronger or smarter or work harder is all because of standards for herself and pressure she puts on herself. ] There's no right or wrong when it comes to emotions, right? If you felt something, and acted on it, I won't hold it against you.

[ Subaru set the glass down. Now was not a good time to be holding anything in her hands. ] At least.... at least you know what happened, and maybe even how or why, and even if it hurt someone else there's still something you can do about it.

[ Katina doesn't mind thinking that some people are simply better than others - though it figures that Subaru wouldn't think the same. She rests her head against her hand, leaning on the table. ]

It was the worst kind of cowardly... cruel... I was seriously terrible. [ Her other hand joins in, pressed against her forehead. ]

And I'd been an idiot long before that too.

You're not the only one who was afraid. [ Though Subaru's fears were a lot more subtle and not something obvious to her until after the fact; after it was all too late. ]

...I guess not. Bet all of us were... afraid in one way or another, huh?

[ Katina presses her forehead against the table, eyes closed. Breathing. ] I'm sorry.

[ Subaru nods wordlessly, just looking on for a long moment before even approaching. ] I've been afraid from the very beginning. I should have told you then, and maybe everything would have turned out different. Like how... how I never actually said you were my girlfriend. I never put it like that to anyone.

Fionna — she would always bring it up, and I would just laugh and go along with it. [ Subaru makes a half-laugh, half-sobbing sound. There's the sound of her hands landing flat on the surface of the counter behind her, and the grips the edge she's leaning back against like it was the only thing between her and falling off of some ledge from which there was no return. ] I think I was afraid to do it, because I didn't know how long you or I would stay here. That ... maybe if I didn't put a label on it, it would hurt less if something happened.

...seriously? [ It really doesn't surprise Katina, of course, that Subaru didn't go around making a big deal out of it, but she stops and thinks for a moment at just how afraid it's made her.

No matter how close they got. ]

I... get what you mean though. [ She looks up. ] Sometimes people just disappear here. Like... Excellen. It could happen to any of us any day, and we might never see each other again, so...

[ Maybe it would be less painful to try and not make it anything too involved. ] We just get hurt anyways denying it, acting like idiots about it...

[ Subaru holds her own hands together to stop the fidgeting, head hung low. ] Mmn, it's true, but at the same time I feel dumb for not just going for it. Real life is the same way, back home. You never know who you're going to lose, for whatever reason, for however long. That kind of stuff can't be predicted. Friends drift apart, family members move away, comrades transfer to new departments, people... die. [ She has varied experiences with most of those. ] So it's really unfair of me to treat the situation we're all in, here, in the Gardens, different just because it's a new place. The rules aren't all that different, are they?

You... probably have a point. Hell, I'm a soldier, a veteran of more than one war. Every single person around me could die... I could die... terrible things happen. [ She doesn't think about it much, because of their survival rates, but then there was Daitetsu. ]

So does that mean we're gonna be more straightforward? More honest?

[ They've already talked about this sort of stuff once or twice before, and it's in remembering those conversations that Subaru had realized something. ] I've always been honest, and I know you're usually straightforward, but I think I figured out what my problem was.

I... wasn't being open. [ She scuffs one foot against the floor, and brings her head up. ] Things from home, things from here. I think I just kept taking things day-by-day because I was hoping that, someday soon, we'd all be home one way or another.

... but it's been more than a year for me and I haven't so much as disappeared for a day. So I need to come to terms with that, and with how I'm treating being caught here, with everyone else. With you.

[ At first, Katina just nods along with Subaru. They all know that it could end any day now, that one or all of them could vanish, return home, and never have to worry about the gardens again.

And never see each other again.

But if the way you act towards everyone is under the assumption that it might not matter anyways, how can you really open up? ] We've been here a long time, uninterrupted. Some have been here for a whole two years now right? Without any return trips. [ She frowns. ]

...I guess hurting you and Akiha could have lasted for a long time, if that's what I'd really wanted.

I didn't think for one second that it's what you really wanted. [ Or so was the strong hope she held on to. ]

Tia always told me that I'm really good at being selfish and stubborn. That I don't always see what's going on around me if I'm focused on something. She was always right about things like that. [ Subaru smiles a little, despite putting herself down in a way. ] I was able to become her friend and stay by her side for years because of that, even though she acted like she didn't want me to for the longest time.

[ Then she shakes her head. ] A-anyway, that's not my point! My point is...

My ... point is...

[ Ugh. Words. ]

[ Subaru's optimism is impressive. Katina wasn't even as sure of herself as Subaru was. What had she done to warrant that kind of faith? Or was that just her default state with everyone?

Was that a kind of selfishness? Selfish and stubborn... Katina's used to not even caring when she acts like that, in her own way, but it's hard to pin something like that to Subaru. ]

...I just wanted to get all the pain over with... for the two of you at least. Didn't work.

...and now? [ Has Katina's mind changed? Are things going to be different? She wouldn't have come back if she didn't at least want to talk to them, but past that, Subaru has no idea what to make of all this any more. ] I have things I want to tell you, but I don't want you to change your mind if it's already been made up.

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