queenoflogs | [ CLOSED ] I should give a little warning

[ Katina knew Subaru would still worry. It was, perhaps, a bit selfish to ask for a promise she knew Subaru couldn't completely keep, and that she shouldn't have to, but she needed that time. Just a little more.

Despite that, she slept better over past two days, freshened herself up, and ate more than she had been for some time - she looked, if nothing else, much better than she had.

Hand still raised, she took a deep breath. ]

I'm... back. Ha... man.

[ Subaru couldn't hide her concern, taking that deep breath to maybe mean something else entirely. ] You didn't... rush over, did you? It's not like we were going anywhere! [ Though Akiha did make that ~~threat~~ promise of dragging the woman back if she didn't show up, Subaru had been on the look out to make sure she hadn't left too soon. ]

Let's talk inside. [ She steps aside and gestures for the blond to enter the foyer. ]

[ It was a steadying breath, and Katina doesn't quite get what Subaru got out of it. ] Who me? I wasn't worried about Akiha yet you know.

[ Still a little hesitant, she enters, looking around the familiar mansion. Despite all the time she's spent here, it simply doesn't feel as much like home as it did for a while... though Katina chalks that up to nervousness. ]

Figures Akiha wouldn't be here to answer the door.

[ She shuts the door and steps beside her, hands behind her back. ] But she knows you're here. You know how she is. [ Subaru looks over at a door. ] Are you hungry? I didn't know, so I made a bunch of sandwiches anyway.

Yeah... she'll be waiting for me. [ Katina isn't going to exactly avoid her, but Katina's also not rushing to her side either. ]

Already back to feeding me, huh?

[ It'll be hard to avoid her in her own house, anyway. ] Eheh, I didn't know if you'd be hungry or tired or anything like that. [ A small smile. ] You're looking better, so maybe you don't need it after all...

I'm in pretty good shape, so you don't need to worry about me...

[ She rubs the back of her head. ] But I can't say no to a snack.

I know how tough you can be, but that couldn't have been comfortable out there like that. There are better ways to go camping. [ A bit of humor? Just a touch of it, really. Subaru heads off toward the kitchen where she has some sandwiches on a large plate. There's many different kinds, because anything Katina doesn't want she'll definitely eat. ]

Hah! Yeah, well, I wasn't in the frame of mind to put together military gear. [ Wilderness survival is pretty important, even if it's not a priority for mech pilots.

Katina follows Subaru to the kitchen. ]

Oh man, it's just me.

[ Gaze ahead, Subaru nods. ] I'm not surprised...

[ She moves over to the fridge to get the water and juice. ] I don't think anyone's home right this minute. If they are, they're being pretty quiet.

I dunno. Maybe they're just deciding how to react. [ ...though if Kris is home, she might not know that Katina's there. Akiha would've probably told her not to do anything else, but that's assuming she has an idea of what Kris did. ]

I'll eat then.

...maybe you're right. [ Once glasses are filled, Subaru leans against the counter and watches Katina fill up a plate, or eat from the main one. That is, if she starts right away. The cyborg actually isn't in any hurry, and she rubs the sides of her own glass of juice with her thumbs as she considers that. ]

I didn't.

Decide, I mean. Or think about it. [ Sip. ] I guess I haven't been trying to think too much about anything, since I talked to Akiha.

[ Juice. Yeah, she probably needs this more than anything right now - actual nutritional value. She takes a few sandwiches right away, checking what's on them before biting in. ]

...so uh. How'd that go anyways? I mean, if you don't mind.

[ Shaking her head. ] I don't. I can't see why I should, since it involves you and I want to make sure we're communicating. [ Subaru looks up at the woman. ] We agreed on a few things, not on others, and I don't think I came out of it with more answers than questions... but you're really the only person who can answer some of them.

[ She creases her brow. ] Katina, what happened? I keep having this feeling that something went wrong, somewhere, but I don't know if it was that night, or earlier, or if I'm just trying to see things that aren't there. Can you tell me, please, in your own words, now that we aren't yelling at each other?

[ You know those 'need a moment' Twix commercials? Where they stuff a Twix in their mouth to delay having to talk? That's now Katina with a sandwich.

Though she and Subaru probably haven't even seen those commercials anyways. ]

...what went wrong was... my fault. I mean... hm.

[ Words. She'd love to have words to explain what happened, because while those dreams might have guided her on how to handle it, the problem was there long before that. ]

It was ignorance... some of that ignorance willful... and selfishness on my part. I mean, I've always been kinda... alright with casual, ah, sex, and that's what everything with Akiha was supposed to be, for one thing...

[ Subaru's immediate reaction is to deny that there was fault on anyone's part — but she almost literally bit her own tongue to let Katina finish.

She nods when the woman trails off last, taking another sip of her juice. "Selfish" is a word that was often used to describe her, so she should be intimately familiar with that feeling, and yet she feels so far removed from the thought of it because this situation is just so alien to her. To be in her position is something that she had never thought to consider nor ever anticipated. There was no preparation for it. ] Even knowing that much, I don't think you're the kind of person to go behind someone's back. Especially not a friend's. So... when were you planning on talking to us?

[ Getting Katina to not blame herself will be a tall task, if it's even possible. They all may have made mistakes, yes, but she was so much more aware of her own, and then she... ignored it. ]

Yeah. You know me well enough to know that... and normally I'm really... pretty blunt. Straightforward. Up front.

[ She usually hates dishonesty so much. ] I don't know though. Akiha was right about one thing - about me being scared. When I realized what was happening with me, and you and Akiha... I can risk my life a thousand times, but put me in a difficult relationship and I fall apart...

Was it that difficult? I can't begin to imagine what it was like for you. [ Subaru isn't offended, but confused at her meaning. ] I ... really wish we could have talked about it sooner, so that it wouldn't get out of hand like that. [ She puts a hand to her forehead. ] It sounds like an excuse when I say "I don't know what got into me that night", doesn't it? But I don't.

Don't make excuses for me either. [ The saddest eating is happening right now. ]

I know what happened, leading up to it. Dreams... nightmares... something like that. Telling me what to do, convincing me that it was a good idea.

They were my own thoughts, but they were thoughts I never wanted to think.

I wasn't! I just... [ Was trying to give Katina a way out? A prompt to say that she didn't know what was going on, either, and to chalk that up to outside interference. This place — life in general — isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Subaru knows this; she understands it. That doesn't mean she can't wish to go back to things being easier to handle.

Can anyone blame her?

Subaru's voice grows quiet. ] I... saw those things, too. I didn't know what to make of them, but. I felt things I didn't want to feel. No one can tell me those ideas were real.

[ Hurting people? Hurting her friends? Hurting Katina, specifically? Even in retaliation, if it was earned, it would never be an option. She could turn a gun on Subaru and she would much rather take that bullet than raise a hand against her. That isn't to say that she wouldn't do it after the fact, but there would have to be some other option available and...

God, there she goes again. Hypothesizing. Subaru set her cup down and shook her head as if to dislodge those thoughts entirely. ]

...well maybe they weren't for you. You're probably just a better person than I am or something. [ Subaru's always been such a damned nice girl, and Katina knows herself all too well - is she just being her own worst critic though? ]

And I gave into it, and ended up hurting you and Akiha, and other people around us.

[ It's still troubling not to have it held against her more. ]

I don't think I'm better than anyone. [ That is half guilt and half modesty, but she honestly doesn't think like that. Life isn't a competition, and anything she does to make herself stronger or smarter or work harder is all because of standards for herself and pressure she puts on herself. ] There's no right or wrong when it comes to emotions, right? If you felt something, and acted on it, I won't hold it against you.

[ Subaru set the glass down. Now was not a good time to be holding anything in her hands. ] At least.... at least you know what happened, and maybe even how or why, and even if it hurt someone else there's still something you can do about it.

[ Katina doesn't mind thinking that some people are simply better than others - though it figures that Subaru wouldn't think the same. She rests her head against her hand, leaning on the table. ]

It was the worst kind of cowardly... cruel... I was seriously terrible. [ Her other hand joins in, pressed against her forehead. ]

And I'd been an idiot long before that too.

You're not the only one who was afraid. [ Though Subaru's fears were a lot more subtle and not something obvious to her until after the fact; after it was all too late. ]

...I guess not. Bet all of us were... afraid in one way or another, huh?

[ Katina presses her forehead against the table, eyes closed. Breathing. ] I'm sorry.

God did I really take this long to respond?

don't let the new job kill you!

I survived Black Friday, and weekends are probably way busier

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