queenoflogs | They can't avoid it forever. [Closed]

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They can't avoid it forever. [Closed]

Characters: Akiha Tohno and Subaru Nakajima
Date: 11/2 - Morning
Summary: When Subaru wakes up as herself again at the Tohno Mansion, she finds breakfast and a conversation waiting for her.
Warnings: none expected other than angst

[As upset as Akiha had been with, well, everything, she hadn't been able to turn bitty!Subaru away when Lambda had brought her home. The half-demon had a soft spot for vulnerable young girls, so she let the girl stay and helped look after her until the wild effect wore off.

Akiha hadn't been sure when it would wear off, so that morning, just like the previous one, she had oatmeal with fruit made along with tea for the little girl's breakfast. It wasn't as if Akiha could cook much on her own, still, but she tried and she was getting better. At least oatmeal was hard to ruin.

Still in her robe, Akiha sat by the bay windows in the breakfast nook, watching the remaining leaves fall with a mug of warm blood and tea mixed together when Subaru came down...]

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[ Subaru might have just filed the past two days away as some kind of weird fever dream if she hadn't woken up early on the morning of the third day and had to practically tear all her clothes off to avoid injuring herself. Vivio's clothes very much do NOT belong on her.

It's then that she notices where she is, and Mach Caliber clues her in on the 'when'. She groaned and looked around the room, put together a presentable outfit of simple shorts and a t-shirt, and headed out to see who was around.

Maybe she should have expected who she saw when she had followed the scent of warm food, but you couldn't tell from the look on her face. ]

Akiha...?

[...that was not the voice she was expecting to hear. Honestly, she wasn't sure if she was happy Subaru was back to normal or not. At least with the girl, Akiha didn't feel the need to talk about what happened. She didn't have to deal with it at all. She could just... pretend it hadn't happened, didn't have to dredge up the hurt that still sat deep in her chest.

But, no, she was no coward; she would deal with it because it had to be done. So Akiha glanced over and took a sip of her drink.]

Good morning, Subaru. Don't let your breakfast get cold. If you want anything different... well, you know better than I what to make. Help yourself.

[ And Subaru just did not have the presence of mind to deal with anything the past few days. From preoccupying herself with the search for Kris, and others, and then being reverted thanks to... some effect she'll look into later, Akiha hasn't been on her mind much at all. Katina is another story entirely, but she'll get to that eventually.

Right now, it's time to face what's in front of her. She nods and slides into a chair. ] No, this... this is good. Thank you. [ Focusing on the bowl as a means to avoid eye contact. ] I, um... I want to apologize for making trouble for you. I remember it. The past couple of days. [ A weak little laugh. ] Not what I expected to ever need Vivio's clothes for.

You are not the first wilded-child to come into my household. It was how I initially met Lambda and Gal was also affected when she still lived here. [Akiha sighs.] It seems I can't help but take in some strays...

You don't need to apologize; it was not your fault.

[ Subaru took a bit of the oatmeal and found it pleasant. She listens intently, though her brow creases briefly at the use of "strays". Strays, mutts, that dog collar.

No. Focus. ] O-oh, is that it? I met Lambda before that, but I saw her when she was a kid, too.

I guess it's just something this place likes to do... [ And bring the memories along with it. Memories and feelings of being small and helpless. Of being afraid to get close to people because of being different; fearing the pain she could cause others if she wasn't careful with her power. Subaru rested an elbow on the table and her forehead in that hand. Those thoughts were unwelcome, but so fresh in her mind right now... ]

I dread the day it does it to me.

[Akiha had too many painful memories as a child. She also had too many happy memories as a child. And she was so... different then.]

Anyways... Now that you're back to normal... [siiiiip and not looking at Subaru, focusing on the trees outside] You and I should... talk.

About h-her.

If it does, I know you'll have lots of people here to return the kindness you showed them. [ She doubted that Akiha took her in because of obligation, or just a case that Lambda had presented her. There had to be something— ]

[ Subaru coughed, having swallowed a piece of fruit prematurely as her thoughts were cut off by Akiha's comment. Real smooth going... ]

[No, it wasn't any obligation that drove her. She just... couldn't turn the girl away. And getting into the whys was nothing she would ever willingly do.]

...

[Akiha looks over at that cough, checking to make sure Subaru was okay. Her expression isn't easy to read, but the coldness she normally puts up when feeling vulnerable wasn't there as much as usual.]

I need you to understand that I... I did not know.

[ Subaru recovered after a few sips of tea. Mostly. It still took her a moment to wipe that wholly uncertain expression off of her face and sit up straighter, eyes searching out Akiha's own if she can manage it.

Subaru is used to giving people the benefit of the doubt — no, it was more that she believed that people were inherently good and truthful, and that it takes certain circumstances to make them act deceitful. That wasn't something she believed Akiha to have done, especially once everything had come to light (more like, exploded in her face) that night. ] I... I know. I believe you.

How... [ She took a deep breath, her voice weak only briefly. This is something she has to find the strength to ask. ] How long were you two, um,... together? I mean. I saw the collar, a while back, but... [ That didn't give her enough of an answer. It could have been going on for much longer. ]

[All Akiha had ever seen was an increase in flirting between Katina and Subaru. And, at the time, she couldn't be sure if it WAS an increase in flirting or just something she started taking note of once her and Katina had gotten involved. She knew she was a very jealous, possessive woman, so to start noticing was natural for her. But... Katina was normally friendly with most people, so she had given the pilot the benefit of the doubt given she'd told the half-demon she was hers.]

...April. Back when the eggs showed up. She and I were... taking care of an egg together. She stayed here for a week and things... happened.

[Akiha looks down into her bloodtea for a long moment before sighing and taking a long drink, a bit of the red liquid slipping from the corner of her mouth. It took her a second to wipe it away. It'd been almost six months that she'd been involved with Katina like that.]

April?! Are you sure? [ That's the kind of thing one says when they have heard something that they just can't believe. If that's true then... they would have been involved the earliest. Which made Subaru the "other woman".

The cyborg dropped her spoon into the bowl and covered her mouth with a hand. She felt sick to her stomach. How could she have been blind for so long? Is it that she couldn't see the signs, or that she just didn't WANT to? Tunnel vision was definitely one of Subaru's weaknesses, but never did she imagine it would hurt her in such a fashion. ]

Yes. My memory is quite clear. I'll never forget that time...

[It was when she'd given Katina her virginity... and the egg with the subsequent fairy that was theirs would stick in her mind. She actually... still missed their fairy.]

[ It's by the grace of no longer being affected by the same sort of emotions from the night of their confrontation that Subaru doesn't flip that table right then and there. Instead, she still feels somehow small and fragile enough that the tears forming at the corners of her eyes come with no warning. ] I... I can't believe it...

[ Feeling the wetness, she wiped at her eyes with balled-up fists, but it wasn't stopping. No matter how much she told herself not to be reduced to a blubbering mess, it was sure looking like it was going to happen. She hasn't broken down like this in years. ]

[Akiha's will is what keeps her from giving into the constant storm of emotions inside her. It was one of the few things her father taught her that she was grateful for and accepting of. It might be the only thing she doesn't hate him for.

She didn't know what to say... she didn't know what she thought about and felt for Katina anymore - she just knew the pain was intense when she let herself think about it, the same with the longing and the anger... But Subaru, despite all of this, was her friend. Neither of them had known...

So... Akiha set her mug down, got up, and walks over to wrap her arms about the cyborg.]

[ If she wasn't such a mess in that moment, she might have questioned the gesture. The idea that Akiha would do that in the first place, especially after everything that had recently happened was certainly surprising enough.

But it's really weird, even as she curls into the touch and tries desperately to stem the flow of tears from her eyes, is that she isn't thinking entirely about herself. Her thoughts come out as fragments, none painting a full picture of what was going on in her mind. ]

I can't —

— not like that —

— why? I —

— find — [ Maybe in a minute she'll be able to talk straight, but right now it's just not happening. ]

[There is no rubbing of Subaru's back. There's no gentle rocking from Akiha. Just her there with her low body heat being something to cry on. This isn't a gesture Akiha is usually comfortable with, but Kris would be credited with making the half-demon become more in touch with her hidden softer side.]

I can't understand anything you say. So don't speak until you can give me coherent sentences. I'm not going to guess at your thoughts.

[Okay, maybe not all that soft.]

[ Between sniffling and trying to calm down, Subaru nods. ] Sorry. Sorry. I just... ugh. [ Now she's forcing herself to breathe better. To relax. Or at least stop sobbing. ] I don't — I can't believe that Katina would just... just lie like that. It doesn't seem like her, does it? [ She pulls free just enough to look directly at Akiha, as if trying to find the validation there. Subaru isn't crazy for thinking this, right? For wanting a better explanation. ]

...

[Akiha was silent for a moment.] To be honest, I never actually asked her if she was involved with anyone else that I didn't already know about.

[The half-demon looked away.] Her and I... It was just a physical thing. For a while. Then it... became more. [The collar was the indication of that.] It... it wasn't until recently that I... I realized it had grown into... an emotional relationship. Maybe that was when she realized--

[She looked back.] I do still think she's a coward.

[ There were a few ways that Akiha said what she did, and the words used, that should have maybe clued Subaru in to a few other developments — but, no, she chooses to focus on that last bit. ] ...you think she was afraid? Of us? [ Of what they'd say, or perhaps do? ]

Afraid, yes, but I don't know what she was afraid of.

[She wasn't sure if Katina had been afraid of them, considering how much it seemed to Akiha now when she thoughts back on it, how she was pushing them to violence with her words.

Maybe she was afraid of herself...]

[ It was an odd way to talk. She'd never heard Katina anywhere near that level of antagonistic and, besides, would the woman really have expected either of them to actually give in to urges like that?

...though there was a moment where she had, when she crushed that collar's binding. Something she feels guilty for but, at the same time, can't find it in her to admit that she would prevent it if given another chance at that evening.

If she could only do all that over again... ]

[ Subaru was starting to dry up and dry off her tears. ] Have you seen her since then?

No. And I haven't looked for her.

...I'm afraid of what I might do. [There is an honest tremble of fear in her voice then.]

[ Akiha may not like being hugged, but the grip that Subaru returns isn't strictly the comforting sort. Hands on the young woman's arms, she straightens up. ] You wouldn't. I don't know if you hate her or not or what you feel — I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.

But I don't believe you want revenge. You're better than that. [ And, barring that, Subaru will not allow Katina to come to harm no matter what had happened. No one deserves to live with that, from any side of the conflict. ]

[Akiha shakes her head.] It's not revenge. It's... worse than that. I could feel it then, when I was so close to inverting... It scared me to feel it again...

[She shook a little.] My blood... boiled.

But you didn't give in, Akiha. You're stronger than that. I... I know what that feeling is like. [ Her expression is half full of determination, and half full of pain. Her heart ached to hear this; to remember this. But it had to be done. ] I let myself go once before. Maybe it's nothing like what you have to deal with every day, and maybe I'm stupid for even comparing it, but I hurt people.

I almost killed someone.

All because I thought it would fix all my problems and I thought I had no other options. Nothing left to lose. [ Now it was turn for Subaru's arms to shake, faintly. ]

[That wasn't it. Subaru, where her situation had been horrible and maybe there were some similar feelings driving it, she wasn't infected with madness... with a level of possession that scared Akiha.]

The last time I was rejected by someone I loved, when I was inverted, I gave him a choice that just confirms how much of a monster I am. I'm afraid it'll happen again.

That's why I... I still need space.

[ There is no judgement coming from Subaru. No matter what these two say to each other, and what they might share about past events, there's no amount of explanation that can fill in the voice of missing context. Even Subaru's own admission barely scratched the surface of what had caused her to flip out that day.

Needless to say, she can understand that both of them wouldn't want to replicate those situations. ] Should I... stay away, too? If I'm a reminder of what happened, I understand.

No. You're... my friend. I don't have many of those...

[Akiha looked down, tucking her hair behind her ear.]

If we hadn't talked like this... maybe. But not now. And... I-- [Akiha swallows] This whole thing hurts so much because... I have some deep feelings. For her.

And I can't make them go away.

I am. [ At least, she doesn't think that's changed. If Akiha had every right to kick her out, before, during, and after the incident with being made into a child again. Subaru would have been sad, but she would not have blamed her. ]

I'm really sorry. I don't know if I'll be any good support for this because I... I don't know what I'm feeling, at all. [ She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, eyes darting this way and that as if reading off clues in the paint. ] ...I think something went wrong, somewhere. Maybe that night; maybe sooner. I know this place can mess with our emotions — it's done it before, to me, and to others. It sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is, but I want to believe that things could have gone better. That they can still get better. [ Curse her stupid optimism. ]

I don't know... I just don't know. I want those feelings to go away, but no matter what I do, they're still there.

I hate it.

[ Still looking up, she creases her brows as she considers that option. She shakes her head after a moment, before slowly tilting her head down to look at Akiha again. ] I wouldn't want that, for myself. Is that dumb of me? [ It wouldn't be the first time that someone made such a comment. Subaru's expecting it, and she probably deserves it. ]

...yes. But I don't like being in pain. I'm tired of being in pain, tired of hurting and not being able to make it better without giving in.

It's...easier when I try not to feel and keep others away.

[ Subaru kind of needed that. Honestly, without anyone here to smack and/or talk some sense into her, life has been harder than usual. Especially right now. Not that she had any reason to complain before now, but still... ] But you can't let go that easily, can you? It's obvious that you had something special, and ... and just because Katina did something that hurt you, it doesn't invalidate everything else, does it? [ Subaru can't decide if this is a pep talk for Akiha, or if she's talking to and about herself. Could be both. ]

[There is a long pause as Akiha thinks about that.]

...I suppose not.

[ Progress? Fragile and fleeting it might be, but Subaru will take every inch she can get. Her expression evens out, losing some of that keen determination. ] Then... give it some time? I think space is a good idea, too, since... I don't even know what I'd say to Katina if I saw her right now. [ Especially in this exact moment. She still feels like a little kid looking out at a world that she doesn't belong in. One that's too big and confusing. ]

[Akiha sighs and nods.]

...you should finish your breakfast. If you don't mind, I think it's best I... have the rest of my tea. It'll help... calm me down.

Okay. [ She was pretty hungry, but she had gotten distracted from it. ] I know you said I shouldn't apologize, so I won't but... I still want to thank you. For taking care of me and for talking with me.

[Akiha walks back over to the bay window and sits down with her tea.]

...you're welcome.

[ Maybe it's not the brightest of smiles, but there's something there for Akiha nonetheless. With a nod, she resumes eating and after that it's time to go back to her room, get properly dressed, and dispose of the torn kid's clothes. Hopefully that wasn't one of Vivio's favorite outfits or anything...

Either way, it's a good morning. Better than she expected. ]

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They can't avoid it forever. [Closed]

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