queenoflogs | Scientists & Soldiers

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Scientists & Soldiers

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urbanwonderland, closed
Date: backdated to the evening of May 29th
Summary: Following this thread, Sephiroth & Reeve have a talk.
Warnings: Sephiroth tends to talk frankly about sex. Other than that, just mature adults having a mature conversation. Maturely.

Sephiroth thinks of the small house as Reeve's residence. She has never truly had a home, so it is difficult for her to think of any place as being hers. It does not matter a great deal to her where she is quartered, as long as her basic needs are met. The only reason she did not decide to reside in her headquarters was the fact that it had seemed so oddly empty without any of the people who were meant to be there.

It is Reeve's residence, then, that is dark and quiet, at least until the door opens and the light is turned on. Then Faremis stirs, the mechanical creature hurrying toward the door and Sephiroth like a pet dog. She does not address the robot, but she leans down to touch it, her fingertips skimming its metal surface.

She turns to Reeve, her tone as casual as if nothing unusual had happened that night. "Would you like some tea?" She knows how fond Reeve is of tea.

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[Having found a hair tie on a table near the door, Reeve is in the process of pulling her hair into it's usual ponytail. The walk home was quiet, a little awkward maybe-- but she knows it's probable that's all from her side. Sephiroth doesn't seem awkward. Sephiroth asks her if she wants tea. Normally she'd get it herself, but right now, the offer sounds good. She makes herself comfortable on a low seat, tucking her legs beneath her, watching as Faremis skitters by.

Yes, thanks. That would be nice.
So. Now. You were saying? About us-- it being problematic.

[Sephiroth enters the kitchen to put the water on as Reeve sits down. The home is small enough that she can easily talk to Reeve from there, but she waits until her task is completed and the kettle is heating on the stove before returning to Reeve and her question.]

As you know, this place can affect our emotions, our wants. We should be more careful than we usually would be before engaging in any such activity.

I do not like to feel that my actions are for someone else's benefit rather than my own. The Queen, whatever she might be, actively encourages such behavior, which makes me wary.

[She looks up at Sephiroth, wishing she'd chosen to stand. Oh well, too late to change it now. Besides, she might as well be physically comfortable. She gives Sephiroth a brief smile that's a bit wry.]

Does that mean it isn't me, it's you? No, I'm aware that this place is designed to foster this sort of thing, but does that mean that it can't happen on its own as well? That is to say, more or less naturally? If that's the case, does it really matter if she approves or not?

That is not what it means, Reeve.

Perhaps it is possible, but how are we to know? We don't even know if we are constructs or our real selves. It does matter. Our surroundings matter, as does the reason we are here. Context is important.

What are we? [She shakes her head, then glances toward the window and small part of the Gardens she can see through it.] Until I can answer that question, I will not feel right about it. I will not allow myself to be used in that way.

Of course, context is important, but so is individual reality and intent. I don't know that I'm ever going to receive some kind of confirmation that I am or am not my one true physical self in this place. But I feel that I am myself, and so I move forward as I would do in any other circumstance.

It's the nature of life to seek balance, relative normalcy-- I can't simply proceed from a place of complete distrust. If I could not trust my senses and emotions to a certain extent, then I'd become paralyzed. I do have an affection for you, and a desire as well, obviously. It's my belief that I would feel this way even if I weren't in this place. If we were thrown together like this, of course.

I would never want you to feel pressured or coerced into-- wanting to be intimate with me. Do you feel that's something that you wouldn't want otherwise?

I understand. I have made connections here, and I have acted to try to better understand my environment. To do that, I must have faith in something, some sense of self. However, I must draw a line somewhere.

I would not feel pressured or coerced. [Sephiroth takes a moment to choose her words.] I do have some desire for you, Reeve, and I enjoy sex.

Yet psychologically and physically, I am unlike other people. For you to form an emotional attachment to me would be quite different than if you chose to do the same with another woman here. Your emotional well being is of concern to me, as I said.

[Reeve sighs, briefly pressing her fingers to the bridge of her nose.]
It isn't that I don't appreciate that-- I truly do. I have a great deal of respect for you as well, and of course your peace of mind is important to me. I do realize you're different, and of what that might entail for me-- but I accept responsibility for my own emotional state. It wouldn't be right to do otherwise.

I'm glad you don't find the idea distasteful-- but, beyond the kind of friendship you've shown me, I'm not expecting anything from you, Sephiroth. Of course, you can draw the line wherever you like, but if it's a line that you'd consider crossing if not for your concern for me-- well, you shouldn't. Be overly concerned. Damn.
You take my point, I'm sure.

I am not the Sephiroth from your world. He is likely dead. You do not think that makes things problematic? It is possible that we will not remember our time here, if we are returned to our worlds of origin, but we might remember. [She closes her eyes for a moment. Reeve seems to hope that their worlds' events will be different in some respects, but they are clearly so similar.] I imagine he was much like me. Do you not think that will cause you emotional stress when you return home? It is true that we are already associating, and some distress is inevitable, but it would make a difference.

I did not think you were expecting anything from me, Reeve. The line I referred to drawing has little to do with you directly. It has to do with our captor, our prison, and how much I am willing to relent.

[It's not that she knew the General so well, and it's nothing that she hasn't thought, but to hear it like that-- likely dead. She knows it's most likely the case, but it still sounds so hard, so final. She watches Sephiroth's face as he eyes close then open-- and feels a pang of sympathy she knows would be unwelcome.

I imagine he might have been like you. I'm not really sure, to be honest. I know you much better than I ever knew the General. My knowledge of him is just an impression, really. It's a good impression, but still.
You're much more than an impression.

And yes, if I remember this time, I'm sure it will cause me pain, distress, what have you. I admit a closer, physical dimension added to our relationship would make a difference, but as I said I'm willing to take that risk. I respect that you might not be, for your own reasons. But those reasons seem out of my control-- no matter how much I wish they weren't.

I know that how I was raised had nothing to do with whether I was male or female. I did not realize how differently men and women were treated until I left the lab. So we would be much the same. [She is quite confident in this. She knows, now, that she was not raised like someone human. The male version of herself, too, was named simply Sephiroth. No other name. A specimen's name. His gender did not matter.]

I do not run the same risk, Reeve. [Her gaze is quite level.] I do not connect to others in the same way. Only you would feel distressed. That is what I meant by saying that I am different.

What I do not want is to do what the Queen wishes, whether I am a subject being examined or providing her with emotion for some other reason. You seem to believe that you are acting of your own free will, but even the basic fact that we have been placed so closely together in this closed environment represents a psychological change caused by an outside source.

[Only you would feel distressed. Well, it can't get much clearer than that.
Reeve feels a slump coming on in her shoulders, but refuses to let her emotions get the better of her posture. She would say that this isn't how she'd planned for the evening to end but she hadn't had a plan at all. She'd been acting on impulse.
Wishing more than ever that she was standing, she meets Sephiroth's eyes.

I understand what you say about your difference-- that's something only you can truly measure, of course. Just as only I can weigh my emotions. I have to tell you, I don't feel a bit unlike myself-- and I've known myself for some time now. Nothing I've feet, nothing I've done-- is out of character for me. I'm adaptable, my psychology can adjust to change-- as can yours, I'm sure.

Of course I grasp the implications of our captivity, but I must tell you, I don't really give a damn what the Queen wants. What you want is another matter.

I respect your feelings, of course. [There's a short, (and on Reeve's part) awkward pause.]
Well. There's no qualifier for that.

[She studies Reeve. The last thing she wanted was to cause her distress. These complications. So needless.]

We cannot know if that is the case. We cannot know if our memories have been altered, or if this environment has a subtle effect on us that we cannot sense. And it is a simple fact that humans behave differently in captivity.

I respect your feelings as well.

If you do wish to become physically intimate with someone here, I would not judge you for that, but I am a poor choice of partner for you, in that respect. As I said, I do not connect to others emotionally. [She hesitates.] Not easily. I suspect you would not ultimately be satisfied with emotionless sex. I would not wish to use you in that way.

I'd really like to say that would be fine, and satisfying. But I've a feeling you'd call me on it and we both know me well enough to know that it isn't true anyway.
[Reeve shakes her head, partly in refusal, partly to clear if of the last of the champagne and the more self-indulgent emotions she's feeling at the moment.]

I can't argue with your ideas about this place-- I don't have the means to test their validity. I hope-- [she was just about to say something about things not being awkward, but it's clear that they won't be awkward for Sephiroth. She makes a wry sort of sigh, half laughing at herself.] oh, never mind that.

I-- it's probably none of my business, and I probably shouldn't ask, but is there someone you do feel a connection with? I assume it isn't someone here.

I will consider the things you've said. [She means this. She wouldn't be a good leader if she wasn't open to opposing arguments and ideas. It is true that Reeve is responsible for her own decisions and feelings. She knows she tends to depersonalize her at times because of her role as a Shinra executive, but she is trained to act toward the executives in a certain way. And to never harm them. And not acting a certain way because of the Queen might not be the best way to express her free will. She will consider it.]

Yes. I know you. Another woman would be more likely to fulfill the emotional component of your desire.

You may ask me whatever you wish, Reeve. [Yet she hesitates again, briefly. She looks away, not nervously, but thoughtfully. From where she stands, she can see the relatively small sword that had belonged to the child version of herself that was so briefly here.] I was never like other people. I was always apart. Until I joined SOLDIER. I can connect to my comrades in ways I cannot connect to others. Yet even after I had joined SOLDIER, though I felt I was in my proper place, I did not form what I would call a true emotional bond until I met Angeal and Genesis.

[Reeve would rather not consider the "emotional component" of her desire just now. She can fret over that on her own time. Right now, it's simpler for her to consider the matter as a whole closed. Sephiroth says she'll consider what she's has to say, but Reeve fancies she knows a refusal when she hears one by now. Good of Sephiroth to be kind about it, though.

She nods, taking in what Sephiroth has to say about her "comrades" and feeling that though she normally sidesteps the subject, this time, of all times, it's fine to discuss them. Sephiroth is a friend, it wouldn't be right to simply ignore her-- pain at being separated from those she loves.

She notes the glance at the sword and for a moment, she misses Sephiroth's smaller self intensely.]

That's-- understandable. I know that's true of most people who serve in the military together. It must be much more centrally true for you-- your emotional bond with your men is very strong. I know you miss them terribly. You might not realize it, but you talk about them an awful lot. Which, you would. The nature of your bond-- I know it's very strong. It must fulfill that emotional component for you.

Even though I'll miss you when you do go, I hope it's very soon-- sooner than I, even. I don't want for you to feel so-- apart.

[There are some things she will never tell Sephiroth. It's best.]

Everyone talks about people from their home worlds. For the most part, I have but two people I care to talk about.

I do miss them. I was never in a position where I could miss people before. There was no one who mattered to me. [As a child, here, she had been very willing to talk to people and form bonds. She had considered her separation an aspect of her nature, but her upbringing must have played a role as well. She was raised to kill, not to socialize.

She feels a pang of bitterness, but her mind shies away from it. It is like a sore she wants to pick at, but she knows one should not pick at sores, so she will not. Faremis approaches her, legs clacking on the floor, and comes to a halt at her feet. She leans down to touch it again. She does not understand why the robot likes to be touched, but it seems to enjoy it.] What you say is true. I have never been sexually intimate with someone who was not a member of SOLDIER. Perhaps that is because of our bond, but my social interaction is limited outside of SOLDIER. I would not want to become involved with someone who admires me for my role in Shinra's publicity.

[She considers Reeve's words about returning home, nods.] In many ways, this place is anathema to me. I am a warrior in a place with no war, a SOLDIER in a place without order, without honor. I lack purpose here. But I would not care to leave you. You are my responsibility. I hope that we will leave together, though we must return to our separate worlds.

[Reeve flushes, surprised into being touched by Sephiroth's words-- and not only those regarding herself, though those were very nice to hear.]

I-- admit, I'd like you to stay. It's only that I know you're unhappy here, probably moreso than most-- I hate to see you suffer. Without-- the things you need to feel whole.

[She hears the kettle just beginning its complaint, but ignores it for the moment. They've never spoken in such depth about these things before. She isn't about to break it off now.]

There was never anyone at all? Before your comrades?

I am a SOLDIER. I am trained to withstand any conditions, for any length of time. [She does not quite admit to being unhappy, but there are many unhappy people here, who miss many things from their own worlds. She might express her disapproval, but she does not wish to complain.]

No, there was no one else. I lived among the researchers. Some of them were kind to me. [She doesn't mention Professor Hojo, and perhaps there is a pointedness to that.] I did admire Professor Gast, but he left the project when I was very young.

[The kettle's voice sharpens, summoning her.] I'll return shortly. [She leaves for the kitchen, and Faremis follows. She touches her fingers to the robot's surface again, then pours the water for the tea. She knows how Reeve takes hers.

All at once, it strikes her that she has never done anything like this before: lived with someone in an ordinary residence, made tea for them as a matter of course. It has become habitual, everyday. This odd air of peace and quiet. The pang of bitterness returns, stronger this time. The water is poured, the kettle back on the stove, but she doesn't move, except to touch a hand to her forehead.]

[Some of them were kind to me. Reeve wonders not for the first time if that would really be true, as she knows the words. She thinks again of Sephiroth's younger self-- her bright eyes, her questions, her smiles. Perhaps she misses the child because there was so much she wanted to do for her. Her feelings for Sephiroth at this age are quite different, but very bit as intense.

Thinking that she'd like some biscuits with her tea and not wanting to ask Sephiroth to get them, she rises and goes into the kitchen-- only to find Sephiroth standing over the stove, seemingly troubled or lost in thought. She approaches, reaching out to put a hand on the taller woman's arm.]

Are you all right? If you'd rather not discuss these things with me, it's all right-- I mean, I'll understand. I don't want to-- trouble you.

[Summoned away from her thoughts by the voice, Sephiroth turns. There is perhaps a certain cold sorrow in her eyes.] I said you may ask me whatever you wish.

[What she says next is a subject she usually avoids, suddenly brought to the surface by the stark disparity between something most people would see as normal and what is normal for her.] Sometimes I wonder what I am. I know who made me, and that makes me uneasy.

[Reeve doesn't remove her hand.]
Does it? Before my time here, I would have said that to me, to everyone I know, you're a hero of the people. Their protector.

But now-- I suppose I still see you as a SOLDIER, because that is what you are. But you're also an individual, a real person with your own thoughts and feelings-- and a friend. I'm honored to know you-- and not because of your power, but because of the person you are.

I know it might sound a little foolish to you, but I'm sure you can tell I'm completely in earnest. I wish I could tell you precisely what you want to know about yourself, but I can only tell you what I know about you-- what I feel.

[She nods, slowly. She is rarely shaken, and she does not like to be shaken.] That is what I want to be. I defend the people. I act with honor.

This place unsettles me. It is so different from what I am used to. I must remember that my time here will be temporary. [She takes a deep breath, regaining her composure.] I am honored to know you as well.

Thank you, Reeve. You wouldn't have access to any of the project files, of course. It's only-- [She isn't sure what it is that she wants to know. Her doubts are so nebulous.] I want to know everything about myself, that's all.

[Reeve smiles, there are two cups on the counter. So-- domestic. She's never lived with anyone like this before. Cait is different. He does make her tea, but he doesn't drink it with her-- and he doesn't make her heart beat a little faster when she stands close to him.

Her hand is still on Sephiroth's arm, unconsciously making a soothing motion.]

Of course you do-- who doesn't want to know themselves as fully as possible? It's only natural.

But no place, even this one, can change who you are-- which is an identity that comes from the things you do, how you behave, not how you were-- made. You're right, this time is temporary, much like all times, I suppose, only moreso-- but you're still Sephiroth. Your honor is intact, at least so far as I can tell-- and since I'm "the people" at the moment, I think my opinion counts for something.
[She's gently teasing, of course, but there is something nice about having one's own personal army around. It doesn't hurt when one is very-- fond of the army, either. She picks up both cups.]

Will you have tea with me, Sephiroth? I'd like that-- and we can talk. About whatever you like.

[Reeve's proximity and touch excite her animal desires slightly again, but she does not act on the urge. Part of her wonders what it would be like to have a weak partner who could not withstand her full strength.

It's not that she's never been sexually interested in someone not a member of SOLDIER--due to their intellect or some other quality. Lazard in particular does hold some appeal, but his position makes that problematic, and she has not acted on it.

She smiles faintly.] I would like to believe that. That my will is free. That in SOLDIER, I have my autonomy as well as my honor. I will continue to behave as if that is the case. [She nods.] I value your opinion.

As I have already made the tea, we should have it. Would you also like something to eat, or did you have enough at the party?

I think that's best really-- to behave as if one has free will, even when one isn't entirely sure. At least then, one's actions will always be-- authentic, for want of a better word.

As for my opinion, I'm-- well, I keep telling you I'm honored-- but I am.

[For a moment she entertains the idea of leaning in once more, this time in the space the so often share, to kiss Sephiroth again. The moment seems quite long from her point of view-- but in the end, she doesn't. Instead, she smiles and removes her hand from Sephiroth's arm, reaching up to twitch her ponytail back into place.]

Oh, yes-- I'd love some biscuits, actually. Join me?

[She considers. At last, she nods.] Perhaps there is some truth in that.

Why would I not value your opinion? [Reeve is a great scientist, after all.]

[Left to her own devices, Sephiroth will seldom eat sweets, but she is a little more used to them, now that she knows Genesis. He enjoys baking with the apples his home is so well-known for.] That would be acceptable. I will join you. [She knows where the biscuits are, so she takes them from the cupboard and arranges some few on a plate, as methodically as she does most things.]

[Reeve nods, perhaps a bit theatrically.]
Yes, why wouldn't you?

[Acceptable. Having turned and left the kitchen before Sephiroth, she smiles to herself in spite of herself. Biscuits it is.
When they are both finally seated and she does get a look at the biscuit plate, her smile isn't secret any longer, but it is fond.]

Well, this is nice-- and very symmetrical, too.

In all seriousness, I am glad you see the truth in what I've said.
I don't know if anyone has ever told you this, but you really make very good tea. Must be the timing. You're so exact.

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Scientists & Soldiers

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