queenoflogs | "come, come," I hear it calling me

Entry tags:

"come, come," I hear it calling me

Characters:

headedforhope,

gentlecuteside,

revolutionized,

waha
Date: 2/14~ and onward, spanning the length of the event.
Summary: The magic of the Gardens draws Mami to each of these three girls in turn, and them to her, keeping the pair locked together until both reveal something to the other.
Warnings: Should be nothing, will edit if anything comes up.

[Mami is no stranger to the feeling of her heart fluttering in her chest, the sensation of being tugged by the fragile strings toward another. She's also no stranger to resisting it and making the lessening of distance a slow and cautious thing, if she allows it to happen at all. Gradual, like some intricate, orbiting dance of light footsteps and restrained movements.

The magic at play affords her that much, at least, but no amount of digging in her heels and shoving away the feeling of being pulled can stop the inevitable from happening.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Compared to you, Utena-san, I'm the very soul of caution.

[Mami teases, yet there's a secret and hidden hurt somewhere deep beneath the quiet laughter in her voice. It's easy to tell herself that if Mami crashed through the ice, if she got soaked and caught a chill and died for a second time....it's easy to tell herself that it wouldn't matter. Mami's already dead - and the depths of Utena's grief would be shallow compared to if it were not Mami who turned blue and still and cold, but the Rose Bride of Ohtori.

But it doesn't matter. The ice holds, resisting her weight as Mami resists those gnawing, jealous thoughts.]

See? It's fine.

Mm, maybe. [In contrast, Utena's expression is unusually somber. She has not smiled much during this discussion, and the joke doesn't appear to soften her expression. She only looks thoughtful.]

If you're sure...huh. [An experimental tap of her heel against the ground. The dirt here seems unyielding, cold and frosted over.] I wonder if it'll give enough to use...

[She keeps one wary, concerned eye on Mami on the ice, but reaches for a thin branch and begins to tap away at the ground. It does give, with surprising ease, and Utena chalks that up to the unusual qualities of the soil in the Gardens.] Just...give me a few seconds...

[Mami pretends not to notice that lack of Utena's usual cheer and exuberance. Things have been taxing and awkward for the both of them and for awhile now, she rationalizes. Plus, Utena has the Rose Bride to look after. It's likely not out of any worry directed at Mami and Mami alone - not really, not to any tempting extent.

This thought process is a necessary one for all that it's also painful; dwelling on the possibly of Utena perhaps feeling the same, Ohtori or no Ohtori....nothing will come of that but crushed hope.]

All right, I won't go anywhere.

[And she doesn't, aside from taking a few short, experimental slides on the ice with her shoes. It really would be easier with skates, she muses.]

[Soon enough, Utena has gathered enough dirt. Her eyes briefly flicker away from Mami in order to focus her thoughts, to give the strange magic in the soil a shape to cling to. It eventually forms two pairs of matching white ice skates, brand new. As a result of her usage of the dirt, a golden blonde streak slowly winds down the length of particularly long lock of Utena's hair, the movement as slow and delicate as a skilled painter's hand. She sighs deeply, picks up the skates, and makes her way to the ice.]

There, it's done. Geez, I hope my hair isn't stuck this way. [She knew by now the effects of the dirt were only temporary, but it made her uneasy, nonetheless.]

[Mami looks up at that, and finds her smile turning into a warm, crooked thing despite the secret and ugly feelings of jealousy. Utena looks....cute like that, marked by the Gardens, if only for a short time. She makes her way back to solid ground, being careful not to let her feet slip out from under her.]

I'm sure it won't be. I'd still be small and fluffy if the magic here worked like that. [Mami regards the skates, pauses, and nods her approval.] Those look like they'll work great, Utena-san.

[Seeing Mami smile makes Utena smile too, hesitant and soft. She begins to put on her own skates.] Ah...right, I remember that. You were really cute.

[She fumbles with the laces of the skates then, instead of looking at Mami's face.] And thanks. Geez, this magic stuff's still really hard for me to get used to. I wonder if it'll ever stop being odd.

[She bends over to put on the remaining pair. Her fingers, by contrast, move with a graceful purpose.]

Ah, no, I'm afraid you're mistaken. I wasn't cute in the slightest. [The tone of her voice is deceptively light.] Mm, it will in time, I suppose. I guess I hardly notice it anymore - I'm used to that sort of thing.

You don't think you were cute? [It's said in a disbelieving tone of voice.] You had little kitten ears. [She pantomimes this.] And you were so small. There's no way that's not cute.

[The skates fit perfectly, but Utena honestly didn't expect anything but. She stands up, and begins the awkward trek toward the ice.]

I never felt cute for even a single moment.

[She, too, starts to carefully pick her way toward the frozen-over lake.]

It was pretty embarrassing, you know!

Mm, I guess I'd be embarrassed if I was that small. But I bet if it had happened to anyone else, you'd think it was cute.

[Utena grins, and finally gets to the ice. She's careful not too move too quickly -- ice-skating is not her strong suit.] Ah, geez. It's been a while since I've done this...

Oh, like if it had happened to you?

[Mami has never ice-skated before, but she seems to take to it fairly quickly. It's calls for a grace and sense of balance that she possesses in spades, and after a few unsteady attempts, Mami is casually skating circles around Utena.

Literally.]

[Utena frowns, displeased at being one-upped at anything even remotely athletic, and so steels her courage and begins to properly skate. She starts off a little unsteadily, and there's a brief and frightening instant where she's sure she'll fall. But her balance is regained, and she glides closer to the center of the smooth, crystal ice.]

I wouldn't make a good kitten. [She winds around Mami, and for a moment it almost seems as if they are dancing along the surface of the clear and frozen-over lake. But the moment passes, and Utena adjusts to instead skate beside Mami.] The blonde hair's not so bad, I guess...it's better than thinking everyone's a princess.

I disagree, I think you'd make a better one than I had. [Mami watches Utena in an unobtrusive, almost secretive way, prepared to try and catch her should she indeed fall. But Utena does not.] Heh, I remember that. It was pretty funny in hindsight.

[They skate side-by-side for awhile, but then Mami draws away - meanders off out upon an untouched swathe of ice. The light in her eyes dim as her thoughts turn inward; her movements are unconscious, languid, aimless. She makes idle, meaningless designs in the ice.]

I'd be a terrible princess, too. One of my friends would make a much better one. [...] Aha, and another would be even worse than me...

Mm, nah. [A smile.] Cats are graceful, right? And you're more graceful than I am. Himemiya, she's the same way...except for one time... [When she'd dropped that teacup. Utena had never seen Anthy drop anything before that day.] But she doesn't act like a cat either.

[She's content to watch Mami glide along the ice for a while, but then curiosity wins over, and she speaks up again.] Which friends?

[The mention of Anthy brings Mami back to the present with a snap, like a bubble being popped in one sure, swift movement. A pointed moment of silence; she lets the thread of that particular conversation lay abandoned. Mami does not want to think about the Rose Bride, does not relish the feeling of unease and wariness and bitter, bitter jealousy twisting her insides.]

Madoka-san, she'd be the better princess. Kind, innocent....and delicate, open and giving. The sort to cry over everyone's pain, a girl that wants to help others more than anything. [Mami takes comfort in the topic of Madoka, wrapping herself in the warmth of her precious memories; her voice has gone soft with an obvious fondness. Then she lapses into silence as she considers her next words. She performs a perfect figure 8, legs moving in elegant strides. The tugging sensation in her heart, faint now in Utena's presence but still there, lessens just a bit.]

Sakura-san, though.....

[The silence passes without commentary from Utena. Right as she's about to ask if something's wrong, though, Mami pipes up again. She watches her face as she talks about Madoka, and her own expression softens. It's nice to see Mami like this, she realizes -- unburdened, if only for a little while.]

Ah, Madoka-chan was one of my princesses. I mean, well. [She blushes, rubs the back of her neck.] You know, when I thought I was...er. But you're right; she seems very kind and gentle.

[She knew Sayaka, in passing, and Homura was an acquaintance at least, but "Sakura-san" doesn't ring a bell.] Who's Sakura-san?

[For once, Mami doesn't seem aware of being scrutinized. The contented expression lingers as she glides back and forth across the ice, fading only when the conversation turns entirely to Kyouko.]

Oh, I guess you haven't met her yet, huh? Kyouko Sakura. A little taller than me, red hair about this long... [She gestures with her hands.] She's way too impatient and gruff to be anyone's idea of a princess.

[Her smile is still there, but it's dimmed slightly. Faintly sad, almost wistful for all that Mami speaks of the other girl with a certain measure of that same fondness. Less than before, though, more like a yearning for something long since lost.]

[The description makes Utena smile.] Heh, that's why I wouldn't make a good princess myself. I'm impatient too.

[The change in Mami's expression is not lost on her, however, and she skates just a little closer.] Are you two friends too? Like Madoka-chan and the others.

[The unusual tug that had led her to Mami lessens somewhat, but it doesn't fade entirely.]

[Once, Mami would have instinctively skated away. Reclaimed her distance, her personal space, a thing she defends and yet a thing she sometimes utterly hates. But here, now, she just gives a slow shake of her head.]

Ah....We used to be. Maybe we will be again. [Mami executes a neat spin and begins skating backwards without losing speed, her eyes still distant and thoughtful.]

[Utena follows Mami's path, albeit more slowly, and laces her fingers behind her back. She realizes she should say something...but what, is the question. Her expression is pensive.]

I think so. I don't know what happened, but...a lot of things have changed for you here, right? You even seem different from when I first met you. [A pause, and then she nods, as if deciding something.] Things have changed for the better. If it isn't rude of me to say...I don't know what this place is meant to be for someone like me, but maybe this place is like a second chance for others.

[Her eyes tilt up to the sky. It's gray today too, but it seems less dismal than the morning she'd fallen from the tree. This gray seems calm, almost peaceful...] If you've changed, maybe your friend will change too. [And here she smiles.] I think so.

Edited 2012-05-16 15:48 (UTC)

[She doesn't answer immediately, her attention tucked away elsewhere - wrapped up in her own thoughts, her memories of days that seemed so much happier. -Ah, but Mami understands now that such a thing isn't the case. There were problems back then, too, there was more than enough misery to go around. It was never so idyllic as Mami's psyche so often tried to delude itself into believing.

...but she had still known happiness with Kyouko by her side, before that awful tragedy. There had been a lessening of her loneliness, a lack of hostility or awkwardness between them, and perhaps it is those two things Mami truly misses. Friendship - a reason to fight that wasn't so mired in despair as her atonement was. Or rather, had been.]

Mm, I'm hoping so. We're at least talking again, so that's a good start. [A small smile.] I think you're right, Utena-san, about this place being a second chance for others.....for those who need it, who couldn't have gotten it anywhere else.

[Her mood seems to lift at the thought, this optimism she revisits and once more accepts, and some of the earlier heaviness leaves her face. She even hums as she resumes skating forward, a quiet yet unburdened sound.]

[She returns the smile, and skates a little further ahead, still keeping in mind that thin ice might be lurking anywhere on the frozen surface of the lake.]

Even if you two don't get along like you used to, it must be a relief, to have all your friends here. It'd be harder if you didn't know where they were.

[The words make her think of Wakaba, and the other Duelists. And...Akio. She had Himemiya now, that was true enough, and there was little love lost between her and most of the Duelists, but at times she finds herself missing the familiarity of it. Discussing things with Akio had always made her feel safe, and she missed Wakaba's good cheer and boundless enthusiasm. She missed Miki too, and even felt a slight twinge of nostalgia when thinking of Juri's customary aloofness.

Some of the cheer drops out of her voice when she speaks again.]

Maybe I'll get a second chance too. If...if some of the others arrive, and there's no reason to fight over Himemiya, then...

[Mami glances at Utena, her gaze soft with both affection and concern for a brief moment before she shelves the former, hides that emotion before it can get her in trouble.]

Ah, it is. I'm happy to be able to see them again....all of them. Back home, I would have cared about only Madoka-san and Sayaka-san. Homura-san and Sakura-san weren't friends, weren't even allies. It took this place to change that. There was no reason for us to fight here, in a place without Witches or the corruption of our Soul Gems. It was from that critical point that I was able to change how I felt about them.

So, you know....that's why I think it could be the same for you, Utena-san. There's no need to have duels here where the old rules don't apply. [A thoughtful murmur before she adds, not unkindly:] ...mm, you'd both have to change, though. It wouldn't happen in a day. Goodness knows it took me quite awhile to get over myself, to let go of my grudges and childish resentment.

[She delivers these blunt and humble words with her usual grace, in tones free of regret or bitterness. True, Mami still winces when she recalls how she used to be. Some part of her, that tendency all humans possessed of wanting to avoid pain, wishes she could have done things differently. But just like that crucial moment with Kyuubey, there are things one must learn to let go. There are agonies one must accept, and even come to value, for sometimes pain is a better teacher than kindness. If Mami wants her suffering, her mistakes, to have any meaning....she will learn from them, let them become that which will keep her moving forward rather than hold her back.]

I don't like making promises I can't keep, but....I really think you would get that second chance, Utena-san, if that situation came to pass. It might not be easy, or happen quickly, but it's definitely not an unreasonable thing to hope or strive for.

[Truthful words, and hopefully comforting ones as well.]

We'd both have to change, huh...

[It's spoken distantly. Utena slows to halt and gazes at the ring on her finger. She has rarely shined or buffed it, and never removes it, but the silver still glitters; the Rose Seal is in perfect condition. Unchanging, as it had been the day

(night)

her prince had given it to her.

Her hand clenches into a fist.] Maybe you're right. You're right about it being hard too. You know, it's strange...sometimes I don't think anything changes at all, even though I fight for it. I'd like things to change for the better, but at the same time, I...

[It always seemed as if lately, that Anthy was on the verge of telling her something. But then the moment would pass, and she would close in on herself. Again, and again, and again. Every night, Akio-san would watch the stars, and every day there would be a Duel. On Saturday evenings, Anthy would leave, and return like clockwork. She never said what she was doing, and Utena never asked.

Another duel, and another day, just like the day before, just as it had been after her Prince had given her the ring. One day she would leave Ohtori, of course, but that...

That was impossible, wasn't it? She couldn't leave until...until...]

I don't know. [She admits this at last, and very quietly.] I don't know if it's good to change all the time.

[She shakes her head, and grins, helplessly.] Ah, that was a pretty heavy thing to say, huh? Nothing like me at all...geez, maybe it's this gloomy weather, you know?

[It's but the work of a minute for Mami to cut a neat turn and skate up to Utena, to come to a slow and graceful halt in front of her. Near enough to touch, easily, a thing she does after a heavy moment of hesitation - one hand on Utena's shoulder.]

...I understand.

[Simple words stated in a quiet voice. Yet another truth, for Mami knows that feeling. It's more comfortable to stay the same, isn't it? To have the ease and familiarity of routine, to know what you have to do and how to do it and have it repeat over and over. Change is scary. Change is difficult. Change is not something most people gladly and readily accept. She doesn't know if she should be proud of Utena for this admittance, for this moment of insight and thinking outside of her bubble.....or disappointed that it's such a slow and small step considering the long and hard road it's but a piece of. So she settles for neither. Mami just smiles in a comforting way, removes her hand, and allows that thread of conversation to lay abandoned.]

Ah, yes....it'll be nice when it's sunny and warm here again. I'm looking forward to it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"come, come," I hear it calling me

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

ffuu sorry

get out of my inbox already!!

never ;;

go hooome

i am home!

no!