巴 マミ ✿ mami tomoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
headedforhope) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
queenoflogs2012-04-13 12:57 am
headedforhope) wrote in queenoflogs2012-04-13 12:57 am
Entry tags:
you never get your old skin back, once you have loved like that
Characters: Mami Tomoe & Utena Tonjou
Date: A few days after the eggbaby event ends.
Summary: Mami confesses her romantic feelings for Utena.
Warnings: Possible spoilers for Madoka Magica and Revolutionary Girl Utena, will edit if anything else comes up!
[Once, Mami would have considered her decision to be selfish.
And maybe it is, to a certain extent. Giving a voice to these feelings certainly won't help the awkwardness that's permeated her friendship with Utena, nor will it stop Mami's stomach from twisting in strange and not unentirely unpleasant ways when it was just the two of them. No, it won't make anything easier, what she's resolved to do - not for anyone. But Mami's made up her mind anyway and there's no going back. There's no running away again. Hasn't she learned that much during her stay here? Being brave is not the absence of fear, but the refusal to let that fear conquer you; it's being honest when lying is something comfortable and familiar, it's doing the thing that makes it possible to live with yourself rather than the thing that is easy. And Mami would not be able to live with herself if she acted the coward now. Utena, or Mami herself, could be gone tomorrow and the chance to release the words eating up her insides would be lost. Perhaps even for an eternity.
Mami's world has narrowed to a total of two inescapable truths: she loves Utena, and she's scared out of her mind by what she's daring to do. To confess, to lay her feelings bare, to let herself be vulnerable in the very worst of ways. Perhaps it's a small mercy that at least Mami knows how this venture will end - she will not win. She will not "get the girl". The girl was never hers to begin with, but Ohtori's. Anthy's. Utena belonged to a strange world of princes and Brides and revolution from long before she and Mami had exchanged the shallowest of introductions. Yes, perhaps it's a blessing that Mami won't be going into this with any delusions of a happy ending. But it still hurts, all the same. It hurts, and will continue to hurt, a lasting ache like loneliness and yet worse - a pain like she's never known.
Maybe the only real mercy is that her hurt will be a lot less than if she had run away, if she hadn't been brave.
Mami drifts through the Gardens, her stride meandering and without any apparent purpose, even as every step and every cut of those gold eyes is part of an unobtrusive search for Utena. She hopes to find her alone, knowing in her heart of hearts that Anthy's silent presence will be like cotton in her throat. Stifling....ruinous.]
Mami Tomoe & Utena TonjouDate: A few days after the eggbaby event ends.
Summary: Mami confesses her romantic feelings for Utena.
Warnings: Possible spoilers for Madoka Magica and Revolutionary Girl Utena, will edit if anything else comes up!
[Once, Mami would have considered her decision to be selfish.
And maybe it is, to a certain extent. Giving a voice to these feelings certainly won't help the awkwardness that's permeated her friendship with Utena, nor will it stop Mami's stomach from twisting in strange and not unentirely unpleasant ways when it was just the two of them. No, it won't make anything easier, what she's resolved to do - not for anyone. But Mami's made up her mind anyway and there's no going back. There's no running away again. Hasn't she learned that much during her stay here? Being brave is not the absence of fear, but the refusal to let that fear conquer you; it's being honest when lying is something comfortable and familiar, it's doing the thing that makes it possible to live with yourself rather than the thing that is easy. And Mami would not be able to live with herself if she acted the coward now. Utena, or Mami herself, could be gone tomorrow and the chance to release the words eating up her insides would be lost. Perhaps even for an eternity.
Mami's world has narrowed to a total of two inescapable truths: she loves Utena, and she's scared out of her mind by what she's daring to do. To confess, to lay her feelings bare, to let herself be vulnerable in the very worst of ways. Perhaps it's a small mercy that at least Mami knows how this venture will end - she will not win. She will not "get the girl". The girl was never hers to begin with, but Ohtori's. Anthy's. Utena belonged to a strange world of princes and Brides and revolution from long before she and Mami had exchanged the shallowest of introductions. Yes, perhaps it's a blessing that Mami won't be going into this with any delusions of a happy ending. But it still hurts, all the same. It hurts, and will continue to hurt, a lasting ache like loneliness and yet worse - a pain like she's never known.
Maybe the only real mercy is that her hurt will be a lot less than if she had run away, if she hadn't been brave.
Mami drifts through the Gardens, her stride meandering and without any apparent purpose, even as every step and every cut of those gold eyes is part of an unobtrusive search for Utena. She hopes to find her alone, knowing in her heart of hearts that Anthy's silent presence will be like cotton in her throat. Stifling....ruinous.]