(no subject)

[howaverage.livejournal.com]

Characters: howaverage [ sololog ]
Date: A couple of days.
Summary: Em not coping with kissing and other temper tantrums.
Warnings: Homophobia, I suppose.

The morning after was a shock to Emilia. At first, she was confused, not really knowing where she was or why she was so comfortable and warm, why did she have a pair of arms around her. Then, she was shocked to realize that she was in Jules' apartment and she had not dreamt about the kiss but it had actually happened. Lastly, she felt appalled and disgusted with herself. If she wasn't a person that managed to control herself with all her might, she might just have shoved Jules from her seat and ran off. Instead, she very carefully removed herself from the couch, grabbed her shoes and sneaked out of the apartment - to then run off like an idiot. Of course, she should have expected Jules to swing by that day, only her mind was too busy to think about anyone else but her own self. So when the British woman came in, looking apologetic and holding a silly couple of flowers as if that would do as an "I am sorry", Emilia stared at her blankly before turning away without a word and walked upstairs quite coldly. She knew, still knows, she should not blame Jules but the Queen but her logical side would not allow her. Somehow, it helped her cope with the fact to put the blame on Jules quite unfairly. She was the one that liked women, not Em. She was the one that had started it, not Em. But Em was the one that kissed back and kissed her again and-- No, no. This was not Emilia's fault. It could not be. This was all on the Queen and the food or the water or whatever that stupid magic or, well, in any case, the Queen was definitely to blame. The following days were not pretty either. In fact, if anything, they became worse. She spent all her time quiet and feeling atrocious. Sometimes, she would catch herself touching her lips absently - no particular reason why, but when she realized what she was doing, she would remember the kiss and rub her fingertips against them like she was trying to wipe a smudge that would not disappear, which only weighted her frustration and she would end up cooking some intricate dish to distract herself and cool her temper. Some people had compulsive cleaning - Emilia has compulsive cooking. Her mind raced back and forth. She cursed in French and was rather unpleasant to be around, not because she would be rude to people by cursing at them, but rather because she was brutish and curt in her answer and seemed to carry a black, heavy cloud over her head all the time. Not even Gabrielle was safe from Emilia not-so-pleasant temper and was she to bring up Jules, Em would glare at her like she had just offended all of her family and then some. In fact, not even Ellie was safe and that had ended up in some stupid sisterly quarrel from which they only recovered a couple days after - and this time, it had been Ellie who calmed down first, clearly a sign that something was up. She never told though. Not even Ellie, even when she asked. She did not want another fight with her, so she just told her she was distressed about the whole stay. That it was that time of the month. Excuses that were weak but she did not care to tell the truth because just thinking about it made her feel sick to her stomach. And that made things even worse as she could only recall the fight Dennis and her had when he came out to her in a leap of faith and Emilia had just blown it by being an inconsiderable, intransigent idiot. She had eventually learned to accept him, but in general, it still bothered her. Yes, even after all this time in the Gardens, even after all that lesbian fiction reading, she still found it bothering when it was physical, when it was happening in real life. And now that it had hit her own person, well... Somehow, it made things worse. But she couldn't help it, blaming it on everyone but herself. It's unlike her, she's responsible, but this time, it's just too much. Still, she doesn't hate Jules. Just what had happened. In fact, she may even hate herself a little bit. On the twenty-seventh, she still made Jules' the cake for her birthday. However, she did not hand it herself, asked Ellie to do it for her - and that certainly raised suspicion from the younger girl, but Em still refused to talk about it. Away from the Gardens and taking refuge in cooking and generally avoiding most people, Em retrieved back to her very introverted self, just occasionally watching the Vine as one watches television. A passive watcher.